Rewrite Man

Andrea Mantegna, Caesar's Triumph. Ca. 1484–92. Hampton Court Palace, London

July, the month just ended,

Is named for Julius Caesar

Who boasts in his memoirs

Of slaughtering over a million

Celts and half a million Germans.

He exaggerated a bit, it seems,

But genocide was his calling card:

The Gauls' language is extinct;

Their French descendants speak

A child of Caesar's Latin tongue.

August, now commencing,

Honors Julius's heir Augustus,

Who ruled a vast empire

Based on slavery from end to end.

No slouch at homicide, moreover!

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday

Are named for Norse warrior gods

Borne in raiding Viking longships

To loot, enslave, and murder

In what would later be called "the UK."

You'd like to change this tell-tale nomenclature?

The very best of brutish luck with that!

P.S. Don’t forget to rename Indiana while you're at it!

Note: The Gauls' leader Vercingetorix was imprisoned in Rome for six years after his surrender, then paraded through the streets and ceremonially garrotted in 46 BCE to celebrate Caesar's formal Triumph.

Friday, August 1, 2025